butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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