so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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