she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
