U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
