I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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