You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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