my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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