she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
