I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
