The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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