I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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