Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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