I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
she peed on how many people?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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