I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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