im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
