I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
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