so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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