I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
