So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
