My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
