I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I enjoy the company of your penis
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