So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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