i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
