The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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