i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
