I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I think I just sharted jello shots
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