Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
