Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
