Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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