I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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