I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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