I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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