I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
