Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
