while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
She needs sedatives and a leash
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
