I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
My penis needs a shock collar
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
