He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
