Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Randomize
