I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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