I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Small penises have feelings too.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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