Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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