dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
