I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
look no pants
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
