Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
