i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
