I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
