and you said cock pushups were impossible
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
