So drunk its hurt
look no pants
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
