Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
