Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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