i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I fill condoms, not promises.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
